


Some Dawns I Feel Like Smoking

by enigmatic_vagabond



Category: Polca, Taynew
Genre: A lot of cursing, Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Slow Burn, Smoking, Trigger Warning: depression, taynew - Freeform, vices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25627831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enigmatic_vagabond/pseuds/enigmatic_vagabond
Summary: A story about two smokers talking about longing, loving, and losing all while sharing a red lighter and cigarettes at dawn overlooking a well-lit bridge by the riverbank.
Relationships: New Thitipoom Techaapaikhun/Tay Tawan Vihokratana
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Before anything else, I don’t look down on Call Center Agents or what they do. I did not, in any way, thought less of them than other workers (or the occupation itself). I have an aunt and an uncle who work as Call Center Agents and I assure you they are happy with what they are doing. And if I ever, and should I ever write something or anything insensitive, you can message me anytime and I’ll apologize immediately, and maybe delete or edit it what I have written. I will not try and defend myself and take your “constructive” criticisms as help. Thank You and enjoy reading!! 😄

It’s hard. It’s difficult to quit smoking, especially if you have been doing it for a generous amount of time. I could finish a pack in a day, heck; I can finish it in just three hours. I feel sorry for my lungs, to be honest, but I haven’t been sorry for what I am doing with my life. I am always ruining the chances that are presented to me, missing the opportunities for some development, and ignoring the things that would help me grow.

If I quit smoking right now, I might have withdrawal symptoms to think about and that’s already a hassle. And I don’t have enough money for hospital bills let alone buy medicine for myself, but for cigarettes, I always have coins to spare. As a call center agent, I have been accustomed to smoking, since every one of my co-workers smokes as well.

Ever since I started working in this shitty agency, I have been stressing over my salary, working conditions, and the huge amount of quota that I have to meet at the end of the month. And just by thinking about it makes me want to puff at least three cigarettes in a minute. This is my life now. _Shit, right?_

I haven’t been home for four years now right after graduating college. After my dad knew that I was gay, he pretty much disowned his only son. Now, I’m living off what’s left of my salary and sometimes what my mom secretly sends me. My apartment is just two blocks away from where I work so that I wouldn’t have to pay for the transportation but it’s such a drag to walk since I am a smoker and my lungs are getting weaker every day. But dying right now is not a bad thing. I just want to end this quick, I hate my life and I don’t want to suffer a long and agonizing death.

I found this place near the river bank overlooking a well-lit bridge. I took out my red lighter my ex-boyfriend gave to me and searched for my spare cigarettes. And after a minute of rummaging through my pockets and my sling bag, a stranger handed me one.

I wouldn’t want to take something from a stranger but any second now I might lose myself for not smoking right this instant. I quickly took it from his hand and started to puff the cigarette. “In exchange for the cigarette, can I at least borrow your lighter?” He said. His deep voice resonated through my ears and to my bones. It felt chilly, and I don’t know if that’s because of the breeze coming through the river or is it because it’s already dawn; where the warmth of the world is no longer there.

I hand him my red lighter; slowly as if I’m reluctant to share what’s mine. _To share what’s mine._ I scoffed on that idea, although it’s mine it felt like I’m not the owner of that red lighter. “New.” I looked at him. He’s now sitting beside me, smoking the cigarette he bought and puffing the smoke in the cold air of January. He’s looking at the engraved name of my lighter. “Nice to meet you.” He says, again coldly, like he’s dead inside just like me. I quickly faced the river when he looked at me.

Although it’s dark, the ember from the cigarette lit up his face. Nice curved lips, a sharp jaw to boot, and eyes that look dead to me. Perhaps we’re both living and dying at the same time. “Nice view, huh?” He asked me. I don’t know if I should answer him back, but it’s very rude for me not to talk to him when he gave me his cigarette. “It’s nice.” My reply was curt, fast, and emotionless, hinting him I am tired not because of work, but because of life. “I’m Tay.” I laughed. Don’t bother telling me your name when this is the first and last time we’ll be talking. I shook his hands and just nodded.

I looked at my watch and it’s already 5 AM on January 26, just six days after my pitiful birthday. I wanted to celebrate it with my mom but dad wouldn’t let us. “You know what some people long for?” He asked me. W _hat do I long for? My Mom? Friendship? Love?_ “Freedom.” He continues. “I’ve been smoking ever since high school because of my problems but I can’t get myself to quit,” he threw away the butt of the cigarette at the river. “We long to be free from the shackles of our problems.” The light from the bridge suddenly lit up his face and I can finally see him, his eyes red from crying, I assume.

“But what if I long for something else?” I finally asked him. I felt the courage to finally talk to him after finishing the cigarette he gave me. “That’s pretty much normal.” He said, it was faint but I heard him. He’s now looking at the cold river as if he wants to dive in and drown himself. I moved an inch closer to him just to make sure I do not witness what he’s planning to do.

“But you’re right,” I looked at him; he’s still staring at the river. “I want to be free also.” He took out another cigarette from his pocket and gave it to me. I lit it up and shared it with him. I feel like he needs the cigarette more than me. “I hate this city you know.” I tried opening up more. Sometimes strangers have the wisest things to say, and I hope this stranger has lessons for me to learn. “Everything reminds me of _hate.”_ I continued. “I hate my family. I hate my job. I hate the people around me. I hate that I hate this city. And I hate my life.” He finally looks up to me.

“I’m sorry,” I smiled faintly. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s my life, not yours.” He looked at the bridge and sighed. “You and me both.” _You and me both._ “Why do we long for things we can’t have?” Tay said while looking at me with those dead eyes that looked like he’s asking to be saved. I was silent for a moment. I didn’t know how to answer him let alone look at his eyes. “Sometimes life doesn’t give us what we want, or what we need,” I told him while looking at him, hinting that I want to save him from what he’s feeling. But then he cut me off, “Not because we don’t deserve it,” he looks up to the moon, “but because we deserve so much more.” And for the first time since we met, he finally smiled.

His jaw that is sculptured to perfection, his eyes that cry, his lips that tremble in the cold, and his body that is fragile and nimble; somehow I want to hold him. And I found myself moving an inch closer to Tay, and in the moment of weakness and vulnerability, I found myself holding a stranger close to me.

“Do you long for happiness?” Tay said; his voice feels a little bit lighter than before. “I sometimes do.” Yet again, he took out another cigarette for us to share. “I hate losing happiness,” He said while trying to light up the cigarette and I could see his hands are trembling in the cold. I held his hands to stop it from shaking; he looks at me with his not so dead eyes anymore and smiled. “It took me years to know what happiness is.” He hands me the cigarette. “And my partner took only months to steal it away from me.” He puffed a cloud of smoke in the air that disappeared in seconds. “I do long for happiness,” I told him while keeping myself warm. “It’s very tiring to be sad. It takes a huge amount of energy to be sad but I try to be happy.” _I try. What a joke._ “You try. But end up trying again the next time everything fails.” It’s like he could read my mind.

 _“You should have told me,”_ He started singing. _“I don’t know what to say.”_ He then looks at me. _“Why are you sorry? How did it get this way?”_ I laughed, his voice is breaking but he continues singing a song that is both familiar and unknown to me. “What’s that?” Tay laughed, and I like hearing him laugh. “You mean my singing?” I shook my head. “No, what I mean, what’s the title of the song?” He took out his phone and scrolled through an array of playlists. “It’s _bandaids_ by Keshi.” _Bandaids._ I took out my phone and read the lyrics to the song. _I’m afraid that band-aids are no good for heartaches._ I found myself smiling at the lyrics to which Tay noticed, and he asked me what’s wrong. “I don’t know; maybe Keshi is right.” Tay nodded. “He’s right, that band-aids are not good for heartaches.”

He looked at his watch then proceeded to stand. “It’s already 5:30 AM.” He said and I looked at my phone. It has already been thirty minutes since we met but I feel like I want to know more about this person. “I have to go, I still have work later. Goodbye.” He said smiling.

 _Goodbye._ That was the last thing he said but it hurt. I suddenly remember his question, _what do I long for?_ I long for someone who will understand my complexities. Someone who can help me intricately solve my puzzling mind. Someone who can straighten up the tangled thoughts in my mind. Someone who can make me realize that all I needed was a hand to hold while I’m trembling in fear and anxiety. I looked up to the man who was walking away from the riverbank, the one who talked about freedom and longing and I looked at the moon and talked to it. “I envy the stars that surround you, and I long for a love that I hope I can call mine.”

I walked home as usual. I passed by some closed stalls in front of the market place where it’s lively in the morning. I ended up buying coffee in a vending machine. I took a sip and it tasted bitter. I grimaced. I was thinking of throwing it but it’s a waste. I chugged it like there’s no tomorrow like I don’t have anything to worry about except my heart begins to beat a little faster, and I almost fell on the floor with no one to help me. If Tay could see me right now, he would see a pathetic loser, and he’ll regret talking to me. I am about to reach my apartment’s door when I started breaking down. I couldn’t handle it anymore.

My life is shit. Life was looking down at me. I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my chest and I just nudged it; ignored it. I have no sense of danger or whatsoever. If I’m dying tonight so be it. Because I know and I am certain that our death is inevitable and the void is ready to consume my very cold and lifeless soul. And suddenly I burst out crying; the bottled up feelings I have in four years has already reached its ceiling point, breaking down like a glass, I crumbled into pieces and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up with damped pillows over my head. I felt lighter after crying last night. I looked at my alarm clock and it was already three in the afternoon and my shift starts from 8 PM until 4 AM. I fixed my bed and went to the veranda to smoke. _Pathetic_. _The first thing I do after waking up is smoke._ I laughed.

As I was smoking I noticed someone familiar riding a bike, if I’m not mistaken it’s him. Tay, the man I was talking to last night. I wanted to greet him but I think he’s going to work. I kept looking at him as he was swerving his bike from left to right thinking that he longs for freedom. I was smiling while watching him.

I went inside because I was feeling a little bit chilly, I was only wearing a t-shirt and my boxers short. I didn’t know how I managed to strip my clothes while breaking down. And if you imagine it, I feel like I was a total mess last night. I opened my fridge and it’s empty. I grabbed my wallet put on some decent shorts and headed to the market.

I was looking for veggies, meat, poultry, and eggs to satisfy my physiological needs that will last at least for a week. Thank God everything was on sale because I don’t think my salary will make it through until the next few weeks. I was looking for bread and it was already the last stock on the shelf but someone grabbed it also. It was him. “New?” Tay said. Looking at him right now and remembering him last night, I didn’t know this was the person I was talking to. He had this grey suit and grey slacks that suited him very well, and a red necktie around his collar while carrying a leather bag.

“Wow, I didn’t know the stranger I was talking to last night is you.” He looked at me with confusion. “What I meant is, I didn’t expect that you looked,” I paused. His eyebrows perked and his face is curious about what I was about to say. “You looked handsome.” And fuck, my cheeks felt hot, my ears felt hot; my whole body feels hot. But he chuckled. Again, with that laugh, it’s nice hearing it. “You want this bread?” He says with a smile on his face, and I thought, _where is the guy I was talking to last night?_ “Oh no, go ahead take it. I think I have the things I needed.” I lied. I don’t want to fight for a loaf of bread so I resorted to lying to him.

“So you’re off to work?” I asked him as we were heading to the cashier. “Yeah, I bought bread so I can eat it while working. Besides, my salary can’t afford anything expensive right now.” I feel him. I know his struggles because it’s mine too. Having to work at least eight hours or more than a day then having a salary that’s lower than the minimum wage is frustrating but we have to do everything just to live by another shitty day of our lives.

Tay paid his bread first and waved goodbye to go to work. I was up next to pay. At the counter, I could see some packs of cigarettes at the shelf behind the cashier. I motioned to the cashier to give me two packs and she looked at me with judgmental eyes. I hate it when cashiers give me an attitude. After paying, I went outside to look at the direction of Tay’s destination; I could still see him even from afar, his grey suit that hid almost all his fear and anxieties in life and his red necktie that foreshadowed a noose for a tie. And for a moment I felt like I needed to be alive to save him, not because I pity him but because, just like he said, we deserve so much more.


	2. Chapter 2

I went to work on time because I know I might get deducted for poor conduct. I saw Off and Gun at their desks flirting as usual. How I wish I have something like theirs. And it sucks that I have to endure this longing and craving to find someone, not to satisfy my sexual needs but someone who I can talk to with no reservations, like Tay. _Like Tay? What I am thinking?_ I slapped myself in the face to snap out from what I was thinking. I took a seat and started operating.

While I was directing and accepting calls form clients, a man suddenly went to my desk and gave me a coffee. I looked up and it’s Tong. _Pretty, player, and cheater Tong_. I smiled and mouthed ‘Thank you’ for the coffee. The only ones who knew that he and I dated are Off and Gun, and they also know that he cheated.

“It seems like he’s trying to get on your nerves,” Gun says while Off is tailing him from behind, then he back hugged him. “Or maybe he’s trying to get back to you.” He suggested. I gave Off a glaring look but I have to agree with Gun, maybe he’s trying to piss me off. He wants me to make a mistake just like he wants me to lose this job, and should I lose this job it’s game over for me.

After my shift, I said goodbye to Off and Gun who went home together because apparently, it’s their anniversary. I looked at my watch and it’s already 4:30 AM. I took one cigarette from the pack I bought this afternoon but I suddenly stop and thought about Tay. Will he be there? I ran towards the edge of the river bank where I met him. Someone’s there. He was there, and I was sure of it.

And just like what he did, I offered him a cigarette and my red lighter. “Did you know I was coming?” I asked him shyly. “No,” He said and that made me sulk for a moment. “But I was hoping that you’d come and here you are.” The light from the bridge lit up his face once again. And at that moment I wanted to kiss him but I stopped myself from doing it, so I gave him a half-smile turned into a laugh. “Why are you laughing?” He asked me while lighting up the cigarette I gave him. “Nothing, it’s weird that in just one dawn, at the edge of the river, I met you,” I said to him while looking at the moon, staring at it. “What’s weird with that?” He asked once again, he’s looking at the pavement we’re sitting on. “I don’t know.” I looked at him. “I just felt more alive than ever before.” He finally looks up to me. “You and me both.” There it is again, that smile, those lips, and eyes, the way he puffs his cigarette, the way he holds it, the way he looks at the river, the moon, and me. I looked at the moon and whispered to myself, _I hope this is what I wished for._

But I can’t tell him yet what I’m feeling. I’m still not certain if what I’m feeling is love or just pity. I just need to wait for more, another day wouldn’t hurt; another week wouldn’t be so long, but I will not let this last for a month. And maybe, just maybe, he’ll stay not temporarily in my life but forever. I just hope when I say this to him, he doesn’t think I’m imprisoning him.

“What are you thinking so deep at 5 AM?” Tay snaps his fingers in my face and I snapped out of my deep thinking. “Do you ever feel like there’s a future waiting for you?” Tay looked at me confusingly, he then turned his face to the river, and you could see the moon’s picturesque reflection in the water. “I always think of the future.” He finally talks. I was scared if I ever ask him a sensitive topic that he doesn’t want to talk about. It’s just; this is me knowing him more. This is me trying to read this enigmatic person.

“But I don’t know if there’s one waiting for me.” He looks at me with teary eyes. He wiped his eyes and passed the cigarette to me. “Every day at night,” He starts sharing his story. “When I go to sleep, I keep asking myself ‘should I just do it?’” I know what he means. “But then, thinking about it, if I do it, maybe I’ll regret it the moment I realize that this shouldn’t be what I am doing. Do you get it?” He turned to me, eyes still red from being teary. I nodded and passed the cigarette to him and he dropped the butt in the pavement beside him. I thought he was going to throw it in the river, and I’m glad he didn’t.

“I mean every day I’m lost within myself. I know who I am, I know where I am, I know what’s going on, but what I don’t get is it gets me nowhere but here, stuck. That’s why I’m uncertain if there’s a future waiting for me.” What he said was overwhelming, at least for me. I don’t know what to say since I am not a therapeutic person. We are experiencing longing and losing at the same time, kind of like loving and hurting simultaneously.

“Why? Do you feel like there’s a future waiting for you?” _Ever since I met you, I think there might be._ I wanted to tell him that but I am scared of what’s going to be his reaction. I might scare him or worse he might not see me again. Because I finally found someone who I can talk to, much more I can share my cigarettes with. “Yes. Ever since this afternoon, I keep thinking about my purpose in life and I think I found it. And I hope you can find yours too.” I am not imposing. And I am not pressuring him but I just want him to live another day to see that there’s a possibility of what’s ahead of him.

“Do you have impulses?” _Woah._ This conversation is getting deeper and I was shocked by his question. Now I’m facing him while he’s facing the river. I want to see his face even if it’s dark and just let the moon and the lights on the bridge do its job illumining this man in front of me. And to answer his question, I nodded. “Me too. That’s why some dawns I feel like smoking.”

“And mostly, I tend to hurt myself.” He saw me give him a worrisome look. “Don’t worry it’s not that kind of harm but with pain that I can never explain. You see, I’m living alone and loneliness will eat you like brunch, and you will slowly fade away from the background, and no one will notice.” He took a long pause and looked at the black canvass above us. “No one.” He repeated under his breath.

I get what Tay is trying to tell me, the pain stays longer than you expected. You can taste and savor it. It is in our system until it destroys us, our minds, and our bodies. He then stood up and walked near the river, he removed his shoes and socks to dip his feet in the water. I followed him. “You know I read a story about time.” He said while kicking the water under his feet. “That time is merely an illusion. I mean we made it out from our imagination.” He said. I was just looking at him, basking over a man I couldn’t believe I’m seeing; was he always this mesmerizing? “We made it to differ now from then, history from the future.” He added. “And in comes the fear that one day, time isn’t in our hands anymore.” He looked at me with a faint smile and livelier eyes.

“It’s like the end of time is tied with death and the void,” I told him and he nodded while smiling. The light coming from the moon gave him this aura that made him more angelic, I know it sounds cheesy but if you could see what I see, you would say the same thing. And at the spur of the moment, and the realization that time isn’t really in our hands, I grabbed Tay by the waist, held him closer to me like the first time I held him, and kissed him in the lips. The only thing I could hear are our heartbeats beating faster dampening the sound of the waves of the river, the cars passing by the bridge, and the rustling trees.

And suddenly, everything around us felt calm. We both felt calm and silent. The kiss wasn’t abrupt, it was long. It was the most honest thing I’ve done and I hope he knows. Our lips intertwined like grapevines in the yard. His lips tasted bitter because of the cigarette, but I don’t mind the taste if it is him.

After kissing him, our foreheads were touching. We were breathing heavily and I could feel his body getting warmer. He looked at me and I could see his eyes better, clearer. But something in me regrets kissing him. I immediately went back to get my shoes and socks. “Wait, where are you going?” I didn’t look back much less answered him. I was practically panicking while putting on my socks and shoes. “Hey, New. What’s going on?” His hands holding my face forcing me to face him. I could see his worried face like he just witnessed his lover leaving him without any explanation.

I held his hands and mouthed sorry to him and just like that, I left him there by the river bank. I left Tay at the river, I said no curt goodbye, I didn’t look back, and I didn’t give him one single glance. I was a shit doing that to him. It’s true, kissing him was the most honest thing I’ve done, but I haven’t sorted out my feelings yet, I am not yet sure about me and us.

As I was walking home, I could still taste the bitter tang of the cigarette we shared. And a droplet of water fell into my trembling hands. I looked up and the moon was mocking me, it was not rain that fell, but my tears. I hate what I’m feeling right now, there are words inside my mouth waiting to be spoken, and there are emotions in my chest demanding to be uncaged. And sometimes, I can’t speak loudly of my thoughts, because two things in this world will make me suffer: my thoughts and the reality of it, and eventually, my thoughts will be the death of me. _I am sorry Tay._

This fleeting feeling lasted for weeks. I even told myself that I shouldn’t wait for a week but facing Tay right now is the last thing I want to do. I distracted myself by going to work as usual and focusing my mind on achieving my quota for this month. Off and Gun doesn’t know about Tay, when they asked me about the reason why my eyes were red and swollen last week, I told them it was nothing. _Lies. Besides, it’s easier to lie._

It was already 3:30 AM, only thirty minutes left after I get out of this shithole. I told Gun I’ll be taking a short cigarette break but I ended up crying in one of the bathroom stalls. But it’s not strange for me to cry at dawn. It’s what I’ve been doing since I left Tay at the river bank. I know I should be honest with my feelings for Tay but I feel like I’m taking this too fast, so I wanted to sort out my feelings first before I could tell him.

Right after my shift, I found myself walking towards the river bank but I decided to take another path, away from where it all began. As I was walking, I could see ‘our spot’ from where I was standing. The river feels angry with the wind, and the moon looks disappointed. They should be. But something caught my eyes, there’s a small light coming from the riverbank, it’s faint but I am certain it’s Tay smoking a cigarette. But Tay never had a lighter in him. I can’t help but feel sorry for what I have done to him. I can’t still face him much less face my feelings for him. It’s a constant battle between loving and hurting.

I’ve been cocky by telling myself that our first meeting will be the last because people like him disappear once they feel they are better, but somehow it felt like I was the one leaving. No, I don’t feel it. I know it. I kept on thinking about Tay’s story about time, and I was looking at my hands the whole time while I was walking. I didn’t even bother looking at the cars that were passing by until a drunken motorcycle driver almost hit me and I fell in the ground.

He hit a lamppost and I was sure he’s dead. My heart was beating out of my chest; I vomited after seeing the blood along the asphalt road. I quickly called the police station to report the incident. When the police and ambulance arrived I was still shocked because it happened so fast. One minute I was thinking about time in my hands and the next second I cheated death. I realized that I wasn’t ready for death. All that talk about being ready to die was pure bullshit; here I am shaking in fear as I witness death itself. Without looking back at the body, blood dripping in the pavement, I ran away as far as possible.

Little did I know my feet led me to the riverbank. But there was no one there. No Tay to be found. No smoker in sight, heck, there’s no smoke at all. I scoffed, sat near the river bank, and thought to myself, _‘there’s no smoke without fire.’_ And like my love for Tay, it’s fruitless. A few more minutes of contemplating and someone handed me a cigarette. It was Tay.

I didn’t take the cigarette from him but I started crying. I know he should be scolding me right now for leaving him but having him near me is all I need right now. “Do you tend to go back to people who feel like home?” He said and the first thing that popped into my head is my mother but Tay came second. And to answer his question I nodded. “Fuck you, New.” I deserve that. “Fuck you and your cowardliness.” I wiped my tears as soon as I heard Tay cry. “Fuck you for what you have done to me.” He stood up and went near the river. He started smoking the cigarette, his hands on his waist; he was waiting for me to talk. “What? Now you’re not going to talk?” His words hurt but I do deserve this. “I’m sorry! Okay!?” My voice was breaking as soon those words came out.

“Sorry? Would that fucking fix everything, New?” I didn’t answer him; he’s pulling his hair frustratingly. “Tell me, will you ever be honest with yourself?” And I’ve had it. That was the last straw. “No!” I stood up. “I will never learn to be honest with myself, heck; I can’t be honest with you!” I was looking at him where I was standing. As if I was looking down on a man that I love. _A man that I love._

“All my life I’ve been fucking feeling alone even if the room is crowded. And when they ask me if I’m enjoying, I would fucking lie straight to their faces!” I went down to the cold river to be near him. “Tay, I will never be fucking honest with myself.” Emphasis on _never._ “So please help me.” I broke down again after telling him that. The cigarette he’s smoking is nearly out of flame, and maybe my time with him too. “I am not a rehabilitation center for you to ask me for my help.” He said sparingly. “I never said you were!” Now, I’m screaming in pain.

“I just want you to hold me like I held you the first time you’re about to lose it all. Hold me like I held you honestly when we kissed that night. All I want is for you to save me like I saved you.” Both of us are now teary eyed and no one dared to neither talk nor walk. There was just silence between us, a deafening silence that I can’t hear the waves of the river and the cars that pass by the bridge. “And how do you know you saved me?” Tay, with his head down, looked up to me with narrow eyes, squinting to let his tears fall.

“I just know.” _I just know. What a joke._ “That day in the market, I thought I at least saved a part of you the night we talked.” I can see that he is angry. The lights from the bridge are illumining his face, yet again. He’s now pacing back and forth, kicking the water beneath his feet, not minding the sheer cold in the early week of February. “But you had to break me down again when I started to find the freedom I longed for.” He said.

“So please, let me make it up for what I have done.” I move closer to him, he moves farther. That hurt. Seeing him avoiding me blatantly is hurting me. He takes out another cigarette and starts smoking. What he said next was heart breaking. “Don’t suffocate my heart, New. Right now, I don’t know how and what to feel.” For someone who has been smoking since high school, it was ironic to hear him say _suffocate_ with all the cigarettes that he had smoked for his entire life. “I know what you’re feeling.” I told him straight to his face.

“No you don’t actually know what I’m feeling.” He lets out a frustrating groan. “Just let me feel this way it hurts!” He yells at me. Again there was silence between us. He’s puffing his cigarette while looking at his feet. He’s clearly pissed and I don’t blame him. I could hear him saying _fuck_ over and over again. I combed my hair out of frustration. At this rate, I might lose him. _Losing._ I’ve already lost so many people and many things in the past, but God, let me hold on to Tay.

“No one knew what it took for me to become this weak.” He started talking and I could hear his voice breaking, but still, he tries to open up himself to me once more. “No one knew when, why, where, how and what it took me to rebuild myself time and time again.” He takes another hit of the cigarette. “And that’s the shitty part of recovering.” He finally looks up to the moon, his eyes still red from crying and his lips still trembling in the cold air. I took a step forward but he held his hand and I stopped. “No one knew what I did to rebuild my heart again, no one.” _No one._ “But you,” He points at me without looking; his face now looking down on the river. “You were there to save me but you had to destroy me again.”

“But for now, I’ll hear you out.” He walks towards me and I don’t know what to do. “You’re cold.” He says while touching my face. He puffed the cigarette in my face and held my hands. “Let’s sit before our bodies numb because of the cold.” We are now sitting at the pavement where we usually sit. I don’t know what to say and when do I start talking. So here goes nothing.

“My dad found out I was gay four years ago. And ever since then I never felt the love that I wanted from him.” I start. “Do you know that this red lighter is from my ex-boyfriend?” He shook his head. “Yeah, but he cheated on me,” Tay said sorry but I just smiled, again it’s not his fault. “After that, I never believed in love again.” I turned to him. “I was scared of feeling that again when I kissed you that night. That’s why I cowardly left you.” I paused for a moment to take a deep breath because I feel like crying again. “But that doesn’t justify what I did to you. My reason is not enough for you to pardon me. And I’ll understand if you will not forgive me, but at least you heard me out.” I swallowed everything even my pride, I looked at him and gave him a faint smile. “Thank you.” 

“Remember your question about what do we long for?” I asked him. He nodded. “I long for love that never breaks.” I finally said it to him. “But I also long for freedom, peace, and everything that has been stolen from me, like you, I also long happiness.” I turned to Tay whose face is looking at the ground. And I swear I saw him smile. “Tay, I’m sorry.” He turned to me, still mad. “I’m sorry as well.” He took out another cigarette for us to share.

“So what changed your mind to come here?” I forgot about what happened earlier on the main road. “I witnessed death before my very eyes.” He looked shocked when I told him that. “The reason I came here is because of what you said about time, that time is tied to death. And if I don’t act now, Death might come for me.” I turned to him all teary-eyed and my voice breaking. “At that moment I almost died without saying my true feeling to you. And I don’t want to die with regret, hate, and indifference in my heart, Tay.” Just like what I did the night we first met, Tay held me closely, tightly, hinting me that he’ll stay by my side for the whole time.

He didn’t wait for the sun to come up. He stood up and looked at his watch. _Déjà vu._ “It’s already 5 AM. I don’t like waiting for the sun to come up,” He says while walking away from the riverbank. I deserve this, and honestly, what did I expect from our conversation? _Nothing_. I already admitted to myself that I was such a bastard for leaving him.

I already went home after our talk. This doesn’t feel like home anymore and going to work is just another obligation for me to do, just for me to live another single shitty day. I looked at the packs of cigarettes at my nightstand and got rid of them. I’m suddenly regretting accepting the cigarette he handed me that night. If only I didn’t take it, maybe I’m not such a mess right now. Maybe I am not who I am right now. _A messy piece of shit._

I decided to quit smoking, or rather, I decided not to smoke for a week. Because smoking right now reminds me of him. It reminds me of our late night talks and that early dawn kiss. _That damned, honest but regretful kiss._ I hit my head several times to forget what happened that night but a part of me wants to remember it. _Ugh. Make up your mind Thitipoom!_

 _Was I aware that I was falling in love with him all this time? Or was it because we were vulnerable that night; that what transpired between us made me feel something, and made me realize that there is something._ I hate it when I overthink. I always overcomplicate things. _I hate myself._ Not a minute has passed by but I went outside to take back the cigarette I threw. I opened the trashcan and I felt so pathetic. Rather, I look so pathetic. A man in his late 20‘s looking at trash while the sun is breaking the dark canvass along the horizon. And just like any other day, I cried myself to sleep.

Another week passed by, same old boring shit. Off and Gun told me about their stories when they were dating. As if I haven’t heard that story. And Off was right, Tong is trying to take me back. But I don’t think I’ll be coming back to him soon, or never. I’ve decided that I should make my life better. I talked to Tong the other day and told him that his plan of taking me back will not work because someone is waiting for me at the riverbank at dawn, I hope.

“What, you found someone new?” I nodded to answer his question. “Are you happy with him?” Again, I nod. It’s high time for me to do things right. I cut off the usage of sticks of cigarettes I smoke per day, I tried reaching to mom last night and told her I want to pursue my dream of becoming a filmmaker and thank God she agreed, and dad, he finally accepted me. I cried but not with a sad feeling but with joy.

I rummaged through my sling bag and gave the red lighter he gave me. “I believe I don’t need this anymore,” I told Tong. “Don’t give it back to me. Please” I was confused when he told me that. “You can do whatever you want with that lighter I gave you, just don’t give it back.” I heard his voice break. “I know what I did was wrong, but letting you go was never my intention. It hurts to think that you found someone else but I am happy for you, New.” I never thought Tong was this kind of guy, at least he knows to make a proper closure. “I know a simple sorry will not undo all the things I did to you, but I hope someday in your heart, you’ll find a space for my subpar _but_ sincere apology.” And we just laughed.

After my shift, I went to the riverbank hoping Tay would show up. And I will not blame him if he didn’t show up. But as soon as I got there, he was there. He was wearing casual clothes for a change. “You might get cold,” I told him. “Not unless I’m smoking, I will not get cold.” We sat there in silence while sharing the cigarettes we both brought. “I’m leaving this city.” He says and I turned to him so fast I thought my neck was about to break. “I quit my job. I hated my job. So I’m planning to pursue what I love.” He looked at the moon and smiled. “Meteorology, I’m going to be a meteorologist, New.” I was teary-eyed when he told me he’s going to pursue his dreams. _Is this what we long for? Dreams to be achieved._

“You and me both.” I casually parted his hair for a second. “I’m also going to quit my job and start studying film making.” He looks at me and I could see his eyes lit up in the dark. “That’s great!” He said and hugged me. “But that means we’re going to stop seeing each other.” My voice breaks and I almost cried just by thinking of it. “For now,” Tay said. _For now._

“For now, we’re going to stop seeing each other to pursue our dreams. Remember what I told you the first time we met?” I shook my head because there were a lot of things said that night. “That we deserve so much more, and if we are meant to be together, we’ll always find ourselves back to where it all began. Here in this riverbank while smoking cigarettes at dawn overlooking at that damned ugly bridge.” And we just laughed, I haven’t laughed for so long. Funny how someone like Tay, who is also broken like me, could make me laugh like this. I wish we didn’t have to stop seeing each other again, but this is for the best. This is for us to begin with. All those years of wasting the opportunities given to me, now, I have to grab this chance for me, for Tay, and for us. I didn’t know cigarettes could give me so much joy because without it maybe I didn’t meet him. It’s ironic how the thing that’s killing me, is also keeping me alive.

“Let’s make a deal.” He says. “In four years, after we have already achieved our dreams, let’s go back here.” I nodded. “If one of us didn’t come back, that means one of us already passed away or one of us is already married.” I shivered not because of the cold but because of the idea that I might lose Tay, but I’m holding on to this deal. “Deal.” I shook his hands and he stood up. “Tomorrow, I’ll be leaving. I’ll be leaving this city and study what I love.” He finally looks up to the moon one last time. “New, when you look up to the moon and stars at night, always remember that I’m also looking at it.” He told me. “And when the sun breaks the night sky, always know that I’m thinking of you, Tay,” I told him. And just like that, we separate ways.


	3. Chapter 3

_TIMESKIP_

I’ve been directing small shows already and I’m not complaining. I love what I do. My salary can now pay off the debts we have and I already have my condominium. Before dad died, he said that I should always find happiness in what I do, that I should not give up with my dreams and I did.

Last night, my mom told me to come home to celebrate my success as a film director and to celebrate my birthday. I wasn’t home last January 20 for my birthday but I’ll be coming home on the 25th. I told my staff that they could have a one week vacation and they happily went on their trips. As for me, I still have some deal to complete.

My mom invited my cousins and other distant relatives to celebrate, there were some I knew and others, not so much. Off and Gun were also present, they are now married and they have a call center agency that trains new employees. But I was happy seeing mom happy, her happiness is my happiness. She got me a present for my birthday, it was an astronomical telescope. She knows that I love the galaxy because it has been the main theme of my short films, to be honest. I went upstairs to my old room and set up the telescope for me to look at the night sky.

It was already 3 AM of the 26th and I always remember this date, it’s the day I met Tay, the person who saved me from the mess I was way back four years ago. My mom then woke up and noticed me pacing back and forth in our living room. “What’s wrong, New?” My mom asked me while making her midnight tea, for some reason, she drinks tea to calm herself. “Mom, four years ago, I met someone at the riverbank.” She motioned me to sit down and calm down. “We had a deal that once we have already achieved our dreams, we should meet there, at dawn.” I was sweating when I told her the deal. I’m nervous. What if I’m holding onto something that isn’t already there anymore? “Breathe, New.” She starts.

“Sometimes you have to kill your thoughts to be alive.” _Thoughts. I’ve said this before, that eventually; my thoughts will be the death of me._ My mom is right, she’s always right. “I will mom, but I’m just nervous.” She held my hand to comfort me. “New, if you’re meant to be then let fate decide. If he doesn’t come back, you can always come back home to me. But if he does, don’t ever let him go.” I nodded and hugged mom. I took my car keys and the telescope she gave me and drove an hour to the riverbank where I first met him.

But when I arrived at the place, he wasn’t there. _What about the deal, Tay?_ I thought. I sighed. And it hurts. It hurts that for four years I’ve been holding onto to this promise since we made that deal. It was one of my motivations to strive harder because I want what’s best for me, for us. Did Tay already pass away? I didn’t have the chance to ask for his full name and yet here I am wondering if he’ll come back or not. Is he married? I took out my phone and searched for his name on Facebook but no one familiar showed up, I only know his name. _Tay._

I waited for another moment hoping a miracle would happen. I took out the telescope from the trunk of my car and started setting up to look at the moon and stars a little closer. I could see Betelgeuse’s light from here. I could see the deep craters of the moon but I couldn’t see Tay around the riverbank. He’s the only one missing right now. Even the well-lit bridge changed but I hope whatever is between us didn’t change. I took out a cigarette for me to smoke but I don’t have a lighter.

Lo and behold, someone offered a lighter out of nowhere, I looked at the person and it was just a stranger passing by. _What are you expecting, New? Maybe he forgot the deal already, it’s been four years, maybe four years too late._ I kept looking at the scope of my telescope basking to the beauty of the full moon. The tides from the river are rising and falling, I read on the internet that the moon has something to do with the tides.

As I was looking at the moon, the man who offered me is still there standing beside me, I could see him smoke in my peripheral vision. But I ignored him. “I am waiting for someone, not you so please go away,” I whispered to myself. It was already 5 AM and I could see the sun is about to rise. _So much for a deal. I hate you, Tay._

“Did you know that the moon is drifting away from the Earth?” _Wait. Hold on. This voice, I know this voice._ I looked up to the man beside me, it’s Tay! He has this cool, slick, and clean-cut hair, a red t-shirt and jogging pants. “But trust me New, I will not drift away from you.” I was about to lose it all. I went up to him and started pounding his chest, hitting him but not hurting him. “I thought you weren’t coming back.” I cry. “I thought you were dead or worse married to someone who’s not me.” He then held my face and smiled. “I was the one who made the deal, why would I break it? Besides, I love you.” _There it is. His smile that made me fall in love with this bastard._ “I love you too, Tay.”

As the sun rises to the east, Tay held my waist and my neck and started kissing me. The bitter taste of cigarettes wasn’t there anymore. It was sweet, calm, and candor. After the kiss, he finally introduced himself to me. “I’m Tay Tawan Vihokratana, Meteorologist.” I shook his hands. “I’m New Thitipoom Techaapaikhun, Film Director.” Finally, our dreams are achieved and the things we longed for are ours, the people we love stayed, and the time we lost was already reclaimed.

“Today is cloudy with a chance of forever.” I looked at him and he’s being cheesy. Four years can change you a lot, but I’m glad he changed for the better. “New,” He says. “I didn’t know what love is until someone asked me what it’s supposed to feel like.” He turned to me; the orange ray of light coming from the sun is illumining his face. “And I thought of you.” I smiled from what he said. “You and me both, Tawan.” He smiled when he heard me calling his name. “I know, Thitipoom,” I swear my cheeks felt hot. “Care to share another cigarette, love?” _Love._ “Yes, please.”

As we were sharing the cigarette we told stories about what transpired in our journey as we achieved our dreams. To my surprise, Tawan graduated with honors and I was proud of him. Very much proud. I told him about the short films that I’ve made, and he watched them all secretly. His favorite was the bootleg short adaptation of ‘The Little Prince’. He then tells me his favorite quote. “And when you are comforted,” He looks at me. “Time soothes all sorrows, you will be happy to have known me.” And he gave me another kiss, a peck if you must.

“You’ve been very brave, Tawan, giving me surprise kisses and all.” He chuckled. He moved a little closer to me to rest his head on my shoulders. “Did you know why I don’t wait for the sun to rise whenever we’re here?” He asks me. I shook my head. “My name Tawan means ‘sun’, but, ironically, I don’t like it. People would attribute the rising of the sun as a new day, a new life, or a new beginning. But before I met you, I didn’t believe in beginnings so I always hated the sun.” He looks at me with a faint smile. “And with you, I found to love myself. Thank you.”

As the sun rises and the birds fly in the orange canvass that is the sky, I can’t help but think that all of these started with a shared cigarette and a red lighter from my ex-boyfriend. The bridge that lights up our darkest dawns, the river that caught all of our tears, and the pavement that felt the beating of our hearts and bodies, all of them witness the love and pain both of us experienced. But the moon witnessed our love that is both honest and fragile; the sun witnessed how we became new people but stayed the same. I looked up to the sun, not directly, and asked a question. _“Is this already what we longed for?”_ _I hope so._

I didn’t envy the moon anymore because I have Tawan by my side. And I hope it stays that way forever. “Tawan.” Tay looked at me. “Make me stay. And I will.” He gave me a wide smile and kissed me again.

It’s not every day you get to meet someone who will love you unconditionally but when you meet that person, don’t ever let them go. I held Tawan’s hand as we watch the sunrise, I gave a quick kiss on his forehead, hinting him that I am here not only at dawn where we smoke cigarettes but forever in each other’s’ arms.

_END_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank You for reading Some Dawns I Feel Like Smoking. 
> 
> The idea of the title came from a short film entitled “Some Nights I Feel Like Walking” so I wanted to have a play on those words but the whole plot came into fruition whilst writing this story. At first I don’t know where my story is heading so I just wrote whatever comes in to my mind. I am not a smoker per se because I have asthma but I have friends who smoke and they tell their stories to me as to why they are smoking, primarily because they are stressed and this is their coping mechanism. 
> 
> The idea of having them pursue Film and Meteorology is kind of very personal to me. I wanted to study Film but I instead studied Nursing. Tay’s program, however, was my ex-fling’s dream. He wants to become a Meteorologist and chase storms. 
> 
> Again, Thank you for reading. You can give me suggestions on how can I improve my writing skills. 
> 
> The next short story that I will be writing is entitled “Every Day You Become Someone New” and I will probably publish it here soon! 🤗
> 
> You can follow me on twitter: @taynewfever


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